At some point, I felt I'm all alone, despite I have a lot of friends and a good number of true friends that I'm sure they will always be there by my side.
One day I asked myself : "why do I feel so ?!" But as usual there was no answer.
I think I had a problem talking with myself.
Okay, add this problem to myself problems sheet.
Another question " why do I have such a problem ?! I was always talking to myself and it was always the best listener. "
This time I heard the answer .. "Because you're afraid of facing yourself .. You're afraid of facing the truth. The truth that you have failed !! And the other truth that you have lost and still losing everything you have ever had. And you're doing that for no reason .. You're losing because of nothing .. Why did you accept the truth that you're a loser ?! Why did you give up ?! Tell me !! " .
I was surprised .. Myself is talking to me and it's also about to punish me !
Okay I'll tell you .. The reason is very simple .. I found that there's nothing worth fighting for. Very simple.
"Really!! Is that your answer ?!! You must be kidding me !! How could you turn to such a hopeless person ?!! " .
Let me tell you how .. Do you know the sound of the clock ?! Tik Tok .. It was just like that. I tried fighting for things that worth fighting for -as I thought- , but as usual I was mistaken about them.
"And you decided that there's nothing worth fighting for because you were mistaken about just few things ?!! How come !! " .
I think there is a little misunderstanding, I meant there is nothing worth fighting for in my life not in general.
"What a difference !! I can't believe that I'm talking to you, you were a good example in hope and believing that tomorrow is a new chance not a usual day as you're saying now! "
Hahahahahaha .. Which dreams are you talking about ?! I don't dream .. I just know that tomorrow is another day to be wasted from my silly life.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing !! What happened to you and changed you that much ?!! Please tell me ! " .
I don't want to remember anything of what happened .. I'm full of joy that I have forgotten everything.
"But you didn't, you still remember everything I can see that in your eyes .. Please tell me " .
You know what ?! Stop talking with me .. I'm really tired. I'm leaving, See you.
"But ..... "
Bye .. I said Bye.
"ما لي لا أقوى على أبسط مهامي اليومية ؟! ما لي أشعر بالكسل يسيطر على جميع أطرافي ؟! لم أكن -طوال حياتي- من المسوّفين و لم أتهاون يوم فيما يتعلق بعملي و لكن لا أدري ماذا أصابني ! ربما هو ملل من الحياة. و لكن كيف الملل و حياتي تتسم منذ نشأتي بعدم الإستقرار و التبدل من حال إلى حال في أقل من يوم ؟! ربما قد سئمت من الحياة -الغير مملة- التي أحياها. ربما هناك جزء مني يحتاج إلى الهدوء و الإستقرار الداخلي. ربما مللت لعدم وجود نظام يومي يتحكم في يومي. ربما أرهقني تفكيري العابث الذي يحلل و كأنما هو حاسب آلي. ربما هي روحي تستغيث بخالقها بعدما أهلكها البعد عنه. ربما هو يأس من عدم المحاولة. ربما هو الفراغ يعتصر النفس. هي أسئلة بلا إجابات و نُنصح بالابتعاد عنها لعدم الوقوع في حفرة الإكتئاب التي لا قاع لها ولا نهاية. و لكن ماذا يحدث عندما يرهقنا التفكير في كل الأمور كبيرها و صغيرها .. المهم منها و المتسم كل الإتسام بالتفاهة و العبث ؟! لا أدري و لكن شخصياً أصبحت ألاحظ تأثيرات هذا التفكير و ما يعود به عليَّ هذا الوقت الضائع فيما لا أجد له سبباً و لاسبيل للنجاة منه. أصبحت أتأثر بأقل ال
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